How to support someone who is grieving

Let your loved one live through their pain without obstacles

Seeing someone dear to you suffering is very difficult. And it’s not just about empathy. A person going through a severe loss often tries to vent their anger by lashing out at those around them—this is a natural reaction of the psyche. When we find ourselves in the path of such outbursts, we may unintentionally feel hurt or frightened. But all our “Calm down!” and “Stop yelling at me!” either inflame the conflict or push the loved one to lock their pain and anger inside, nurturing them. And another outburst will happen anyway, because of some trifle like unwashed dishes.

Such pushback is also fraught with cooling off and the breakdown of the relationship—when one person is hurt that their pain is not understood or accepted, and the other is hurt that, through no fault of their own, they become a target for someone else’s anger.

So what should you do? Don’t block the emotions of the person who is suffering. Don’t take them personally. Don’t get angry in response, just as you don’t get angry at the wind and rain. Don’t ask them to “think about me and the kids” when all their thoughts right now are about their own pain.

It’s important to understand that strong negative feelings scare the person themselves as well. Men suffer especially, having been taught since childhood to keep their feelings to themselves and control everything. If a loved one who is grieving admits that they feel ashamed or frightened by such outbursts, remind them that right now both tears and anger are completely normal.

And don’t forget yourself that this pain and anger are not a “breakdown”—you don’t need to “fix” anyone or anything. You simply need to be there, with gentle, unobtrusive care, creating a safe space for your loved one to live through their grief.

What else you can say and do

• Let the person know they are not alone—don’t impose yourself excessively and don’t pressure them, but don’t distance yourself either. Sometimes silent presence can be enough—just sit nearby, hold their hand, hug them. But if the grieving person asks to be left alone, accept it without taking offense. And when you leave, make it clear that you’re always reachable and will definitely come back.
• Validate, respectfully acknowledge your loved one’s feelings about their loss: “this is a great tragedy,” “I can see how hard it is for you,” “I’m so sorry.” Don’t avoid talking about the loss. If your loved one wants to talk, listen attentively—without lecturing or telling stories about yourself—simply show that you truly hear and understand them.
• Say sincere words of support: “I’m with you,” “I’m always nearby,” “call anytime,” “you can share any feelings with me,” “if you need anything—tell me right away.”
• Offer help. Instead of a vague “reach out anytime,” it’s better to ask directly: “What kind of help do you need right now?” Some people need to talk it out or cry on someone’s shoulder; others need practical help. And if it’s hard for the person to decide, offer options: “I’m going to the store—what should I buy for you?”, “I’m going to make you lunch—what would you like?” For someone in shock, severe stress, or depression, even routine household tasks can become overwhelming—and this is where your help is valuable. If possible, take on organizational matters, caring for pets, cooking, etc.
• Help your loved one relieve physical tension—invite them for a long walk, to the pool, or to a tennis court. Give them a stack of old plates they can smash, or a pillow they can pound.
• Be patient. Everyone lives through grief in their own way, but in any case, it will take time. Don’t shake your loved one up with words like: “It’s been half a year already, stop moping!”

What to avoid when communicating with someone who is grieving:

• calls to suppress emotions: “Don’t cry!”, “Don’t be angry!”, “You need to be strong!”, “You should…”, “You must…” A sense of duty, guilt, and one’s own “wrongness” won’t help a person get through their grief.
• “toxic positivity”: “Everything happens for the best!”, “You’ll find another job!”, “Time heals everything!”, “At least you’re free now!”—attempts to devalue or rationalize the loss will definitely be inappropriate.
• unsolicited advice and comparisons: “I had that too…”, “Only your garage burned down, but the neighbors’ whole house burned!” Such statements may make a person feel that their pain is not important to you.

How to understand that a loved one is “stuck” in their grief

A person is not always able to get through grief without serious damage to their psyche and life. Pay close attention to the condition of your suffering loved one. Alarming symptoms may include:

• regular refusal to eat or complaints of prolonged insomnia;
• feelings of guilt, constant self-criticism, a sense of hopelessness, loss of meaning in life;
• intrusive thoughts, talk about not wanting to live, or a desire to harm oneself;
• prolonged irritability turning into aggression or a desire to isolate from everyone;
• abuse of alcohol or medication to numb the pain;
• escape from reality, whether complete apathy or, for example, gambling addiction.

In these cases, you should gently suggest that your loved one reach out to a psychologist, psychotherapist, and if necessary, a psychiatrist.

When caring for a suffering loved one, it’s very important not to forget about yourself. Remember that on an airplane you need to put on the oxygen mask first for yourself, and only then for a child. In other words, in order to help someone, you need to correctly assess your resources and restore your strength in time.

Learn to separate your feelings from the feelings of your loved ones so that you can empathize without drowning in someone else’s grief and completely exhausting yourself.

And toward a suffering loved one, the main thing is to be patient, gentle, and sincere. Your help and support, even in small things, can become the most important lifeline for a person in crisis.